Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Response to Robin William's death

I copied this from my facebook post dated  August 13, 2014

Unless you have attempted suicide and survived, as I have twice, don't tell me you understand. Suicide is not a permanent solution to a temporary problem, it is a permanent solution to a permanent problem. I do not remember NOT fighting these demons. I will never know if the root cause is rape trauma or simply on my DNA (as I have a long family history of addiction and depression). It was an astute 17 year old who saved my life in 1987. I wish I could say the ideations go away, but they don't. I've just learned to fight harder.


(December 23, 2014)
It's true that I do not remember fighting these demons. I was talking to my dad about the Heath High School shooting, and admitted to him (I was then an adult) that I had had the same thoughts. I had thought, fantasized, about taking out all my anger first on those who hurt me, and then on myself. It was a final revenge. My dad got angry at me, yelling at me "no you didn't! You couldn't have," as if by having the thought alone I had wronged him.

It's also true that the ideations haven't really gone away. It hasn't been that many years ago, when I felt like my marriage was over, I saw my life as hopeless and considered driving my car into a tree as I sped down the interstate. I have battled the urge to take one or two more pills, one or two more drinks, just to end it.

I have learned to fight harder than the demons who tell me to harm myself. More, much more, on this topic later.

I worked as a critical care nurse for years. We all knew what patients would be admitted on Christmas eve, the suicide attempts. I urge you to reach out. I urge you to talk, to me, to anyone.

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